zondag 6 juli 2014

I miss you already. I miss you always.

Seven years already... I believe this is the first time I have really written something about my father dying. I never seemed to be able to so before. It's still difficult though, and I keep feeling like eloquence is slipping through my fingers. Then again, that doesn't really seem to matter. Anyway, here's a little reminiscing and musing. 


(…) Through the larger than life windows, behind the stage from which the eulogies were delivered, I could make out the large pond that lay behind the cremation center. The water was perfectly still, mirroring the green and blue of the trees and the skies in accurate fashion. 

As above, so below... 

A flock of swans suddenly drifted into my vision, floating silently on the surface, in the interstice between reality and its reflection. I listened to the music being played, which my family and I had chosen. My father didn’t really want to pick any music himself. Or couldn’t. Maybe he didn't care. Maybe he found it too hard to think about stuff like that in advance, preferring instead to be oblivious of the inevitable. He had eventually chosen one song though, which would be played last, at the end of the ceremony. 

Now it was first my time to step up and take to the stage. To utter words I couldn’t write myself, even though I’ve always considered myself a writer. That time I really was at a loss for words though, being unable to put emotion (any emotion, those emotions) into writing. Even listening to music accompanied by words felt wrong at the time, or rather it was just impossible for me to listen to. All I could listen to was the instrumental music of 65daysofstatic, for weeks on end. I was glad my sister stepped up that time and had written something about our father for the ceremony. She couldn’t get herself to read it out aloud in front of everyone though, in front of the whole family. So I was happy to do that, feeling like I could at least add something to the ceremony that way, to give something to my father that way. 

At first it wasn’t that hard, reading aloud those lines, because they told about loving, caring and funny moments we had all shared with my dad. I felt a calm serenity take hold of me, carrying me through this, although I had to focus on the piece of paper carrying my sister's words, and had to avoid too much eye contact with my mom, brother and sister. At the end of the speech things suddenly started to get slippery, and I felt myself drifting away for a moment. I then had to collect all my strength to keep myself together, not only to keep my composure, but to prevent myself from collapsing within myself. Those last lines were so hard to read, but I felt such a strong urge to say them. I had to say them. It took me a full minute to say the last few words. “Vaders, we zullen je missen.” 

I don't remember walking off the stage, taking my seat. All I remember from those moments after, was staring through the windows again, those larger than life windows. Seeing the by then empty pond, with the swans having moved out of sight, while listening to the one song my dad really wanted to be played at his memorial ceremony. And while Mathilde Santing’s version of ‘Wonderful Life’ was playing, suddenly the flock of swans came into my vision again. At first quietly floating by, but then suddenly the whole flock of swans took off into the air, flying in a spectacular circle over the pond and then disappearing into the sky. It was a moment of pure yet sad beauty. And at that moment I felt something shift and click within me, and I realised something had changed, that I would never be the same person again. A profound sadness had settled into my soul, one that would never leave me.

It took me almost two years to come to terms with that sadness, and take the metamorphosis to its ultimate conclusion. Only then I realised that it was a sadness birthed in love, allowing me to open up my being like never before. One that gave my heart the ability to weave the fabric of life into my soul.

I can now say, with full understanding, that all these encounters with Life Herself, in all their intricate ways, are what makes this all so worthwhile. And now the silly cheesiness of that song ‘Wonderful Life’ suddenly somehow rings true, I can only smilingly admit while quietly shaking my head.

I feel like I have found a friend in that profound sadness. One that does not feel heavy like a cornerstone, but one that functions as a starting point from which I can embark on empathetic journeys. I have found a friend in the memory of my dad. I have found a friend within myself. I have found a friend in my outlook on life. And of course, I have a friend in all of you, my friends, my dear friends.

And now, when I look into the mirror, I pound my fist against my heart, and with the ferocity of Norma Jean’s delivery, I feel this simple but most wonderful realisation: yes, I choose to embrace Life. And I am intend on living it. That’s the legacy my father left within me, and for that I will always be so grateful to that wonderful man. 

Thank you, vaders.

“I miss you already
I miss you always”

But in a good way, because yes, you do make me smile.




woensdag 2 juli 2014

Recommended reading: The Funambulist

Just a quick shout out to this blog I am following, called The Funambulist, written and edited by Léopold Lambert. It's filled with very interesting and critical articles on a number of related disciplines from an architectural point of view. In Lambert's own words:


"The Funambulist is a research platform written and edited by Léopold Lambert. Its name is inspired by a wondering/wandering on the line as architects' medium. A line on the white page splits in reality two milieus from one another and organizes politically the bodies in space. The act of walking on the line (funambulist means tight-rope walker) is an act of subversion of the traditional role of the line/wall. This name also refers to Philippe Petit crossing illegally the space between the two towers of the World Trade Center in 1974 and the funambulist in Nietzsche's Zarathustra who is said to die peacefully as he succumbs from the danger to which he dedicated his life."

It's highly recommended reading. A good starting point is this piece on the Mediterranean Sea as functioning as a wall, or an abyss, between the North and the South. This is such a poignant and emotional article. The abyss, the 'Gouffre', so salient a symbol while also having its literal meaning. Fortress North, whether north from a desert (Arizona) or a sea (the Mediterranean), always managing to deflect any attempts from Southern Bodies to connect. A self sustaining assemblage allowing only those connections it wishes to embrace

I recommend taking a stroll through this blog, since you will no doubt be intrigued by the different linkages that Lambert creates. 

woensdag 12 maart 2014

Roadburn 2014 Warm Up - Part 1: YAMA


It is only four more weeks until the Elysian Fields of stoner, psychedelic, doom and other related genres will be upon us once more. That's right, I am talking about the Roadburn Festival 2014, taking place of course again in lovely ol' Tilburg in the south of Holland. Those who don't know what this festival is about are either on the wrong side of the musical spectrum or have been smoking so much they cannot see further than their front door. Those who know about the festival either long have a ticket or are bummed out about not having one since the festival is once more sold out. The next few weeks I will be paying attention to the festival and everything it stands for. Mostly as a nice warm up for myself to increase the anticipatory feelings, but also as a small and humble hommage to the festival and the music it advocates.

Yama to play Roadburn
I want to to start off this series by focusing on a Dutch band that will be playing this year's festival. Hailing from Tilburg and making ferociously intense Roadburn music it was only a matter of time before they would appear on the festival's poster. Needless to say I was very stoked to find out a couple of weeks ago that YAMA were to play at Roadburn 2014, I believe on the Saturday at newly added location Cul de Sac. That feels like more than justice, because not only does Yama do a great job promoting both the festival and the city with their smashing music, but also by being great and hospitable guys. Last year I had the honour of doing an interview with the entire band at Roadburn 2013, where they were present simply as attendees and music lovers. I tried to combine that interview with some new insights into the article here below.

Yama - Seaquake EP
Homeland
Yama has been playing together in the current formation for about two and a half years. In that period there has been a slight evolution in their music. "We used to play a bit more stoner than we do now actually, when it was just Alex and Sjoerd playing together. Later Peter joined and when Joep was added as our drummer we felt complete. From then on Yama as it is now really took shape. We also got more serious about our music when we had become a four piece. It helped that people immediately responded to our music as well." Coming not only from Roadburn-city Tilburg, but also having the south(east) of Holland as home country, meant there was a huge potential of both fans of the stoner, metal and heavy rock genre as well as a lot of bands who played music along similar veins. "We've always had good support from Tilburg and basically the whole of Brabant. There are likeminded bands as Sungrazer and The Machine, although their music does definitely differ from ours. We have more of a focus on grunge elements, reminiscent of the nineties. Other good Dutch bands in the genre include Herder (although they are from a bit farther away), Orange Sunshine, Sons of the Patriots... It is all perhaps a bit of a niche market, but there is definitely a great scene for this kind of music. Plus here in Tilburg you have great venues such as 013 and Little Devil."

Yama - Ananta
Vedic mythology
In 2012 Yama released their first EP, called Seaquake. Although admittedly the production value could be a bit better, the enormous quality of the songs definitely makes up for that. The EP has been met with very favourable reviews and it is no surprise that the physical copies have long been sold out. Luckily, now there's new material. "We recorded our new album last year in Utrecht at Independent Recordings. It's a full length this time, and it will be released soon. It's around 40 minutes long and the sound quality is great, so we are really stoked about it!" For the title of the record Yama stayed close to their origins. Just as their band name (Yama meaning 'God of death and illusion, servant of Vishnu') the name of the record comes from Vedic mythology (related to Hindu mythology). "We've decided to call the record 'Ananta'. It basically can mean different things, but for us it stands for the thousand-headed serpent, representing the Infinity of Life." This intriguing meaning calls out for fitting artwork. Yama have found the perfect artist to help them out there. "We're good friends with Maarten Donders, who also does a lot of great artwork for Roadburn. He is also responsible for our band logo and he has made a great piece of work for our album. In the Bhagavad Gita there is a passage in which Vishnu, the supreme deity, sails across the world on the serpent. Maarten has done a wonderful job capturing that image."


Future
With an album full of quality music and majestic artwork, Yama is ready to take on the world, and to do so in a professional way. "We're kind of past the point that we will play just for a few beers and a laugh. It always depends of course who asks you to play and where the show is at, but we've definitely matured in that regard. The show needs to have some sort of relevance, whether it is for setting up a network or just because the setting of the show is great. We've done a few shows in Belgium and Germany now as well, and the people responded very enthusiastically. In Holland we've mostly played the southeast, but little by little we are conquering the rest as well! We have a great booking agency with Bidi Bookings so we will definitely have some great shows coming up. We are all committed to the band and our music and we will work hard to get our music out there."

Acid and spliffs
The hard work seems to be paying off, because the mighty Uncle Acid & the Deadbeats have asked Yama to open up for them at their shows in Amsterdam, Nijmegen and even Bochum in Germany. The future is looking bright indeed, and it is comforting to know that the lads of Yama know to combine the hard work with a little pleasure, considering their mantra: "No spliff, no riff!" Amen to that. Go check them out at one of their upcoming shows with Uncle Acid & the Deadbeats to get in the right high moods for Roadburn 2014!

Yama

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Yama is:
Alex Schenkels - Vocals
Peter Taverne - Bass
Joep Schmitz - Drums
Sjoerd Albers - Guitar

Upcoming shows:
- March 14 - w/ Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats @ Doornroosje, Nijmegen
- March 15 - w/ Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats @ Melkweg, Amsterdam
- March 16 - w/ Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats @ Matrix, Bochum (DE)
- April 12 - Roadburn festival, Tilburg

Music: 
http://yama.bandcamp.com/music